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Sean
23 March 2013 @ 03:30 am
In one more week I'll be 32. I thought I would have problems at 30 but though I was a miserable 30...at least I thought I had something going for me. Now I realize I do not in the least.

The thing I loathe about Florida is that I'm constantly reminded that I am a huge failure at all times. I know that sounds dramatic and in all honest it probably is..but it's what I feel at tis time in the morning.

I always dread my birthday because something always seems to happen on it. I know that most of you MAY remember that I had a surprise Birthday for my 30th and while that was enjoyable...I later realized what that was about and it took away from the nice part of it quickly.

What is it about getting older that makes us re-examine ourselves and possibly to the point of depression? I am looking back at 32 years of my life and I literally have nothing to show for it. I exist...that's about it. And to be quite frank...most of the time I don't even want that to be true. I just sometimes don't want to be and one of those times is right now.

I'm a 32 year old man who is realizing he has mediocre intelligence, no real talent, mediocre looks and I feel I'm constantly reminded how much of a terrible person I am down here. It has been MONTHS since I heard anything nice said to me from my parents.

My father is never happy with me. I'm always doing something wrong or made to feel like I am an interloper in his world and no matter what I do to make this native happy...I'm not going to win. I tell my mother it doesn't get to me but it does. I literally feel like a parasite in this house to both of them.

My mother said to me the other day that I was a good son...that was something she hasn't said in months. Lately it has been how horrible it is to live with me, how horrible I am to her and always makes her feel like crap.

They wonder why I stay in my room all day and hardly speak. They would not like to hear what I am thinking or feeling because I can't get away from me and I don't like it.

I am in financial ruin and I am currently sitting next to this man that I am hopelessly in love with and I am just waiting for him to find someone better than me and just spend all his time with that person instead. It's one of my biggest insecurities...replacement. I'm the american game show consolation prize.

Why don't I voice these concerns? Insecurity, reality and the like are a bitch and no one wants to hear it. Fabrice (the man friend) knows me extremely well and he probably knows I don't talk about half the stuff that goes through my head. I don't talk about the bouts of depression I go through. I've tried to do it before and it never goes well....not with him mind you. He listens to it all but there is only so many insecurities that a guy can listen to before he gets tired of placating you and telling you to shut up. I learned that last relationship.

I'm going to be 32 and I have no value in life. I'm a tiny dot on a huge canvas and I will not amount to anything. I literally will be forgotten easily and that is killing me. Besides Fabrice, the best friend I have are two dogs and they will one day go away too.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Part of it is because I need to use the journal again but I feel shitty my second entry is about how miserable I can be. I am considering taking away the comments as I don't want this to turn into, "Don't say those things Sean. You have value." I don't...I really really don't. I'm not as smart as I once was. I am not useful and I am replaceable...and it can be done with ease.

I'm going to be 32 and all I want tonight is to not exist. All I want tonight is a do over. All I want tonight is to like myself so I can sleep and stop thinking. All I want is to hear from someone that I am not replaceable to them. That If I didn't exist they would notice and it would make them feel a little empty.
 
 
 
Sean
16 March 2013 @ 03:10 am
I am doing something I swore to never do again...I'm writing on my livejournal. I blame this entirely on two things:

1. Making a post about a movie that I meant to make to a community and the fact that legolas18 said something to me. I cowardly didn't respond because I thought it would be awkward.

What do you say to someone after almost two years and they show excitement that you are still around? I have no idea to be honest. I have thought about how to talk to people and make amends for my behaviors when I was hurting. NOPE! I'm not going to make that excuse. No matter how much I was hurting...it wasn't an excuse. I should have found a better way to express my anger, frustrations at people than lashing out like a two year old.
Stuff...and other thingsCollapse )
 
 
 
Sean


Inside, you'll find the trailer for Hank Braxtan's Chemical Peel, an indie horror film starring Natalie Victoria, Arielle Brachfeld, Stephanie Greco, Lacy Fisher, Leigh Davis, Ruben Pla and Lony'e Perrine.

Scripted by Dan Sinclair, the film concerns a bachelorette party that turns into a nightmare when the women are trapped in their secluded homewhile the wilderness around them burns.

No word yet on a release date, but stay tuned for distribution news as it comes in...

Trailer behind cutCollapse )

Source
Video Source
 
 
 
Sean
13 August 2010 @ 06:18 pm
I was just informed a friend from High School died. 30 years old and left behind two daughters and a husband. She was a fantastic person to me in high school. Tough, tougher than me...would beat up the boys who came near me if she could.
 
 
 
 
 
Sean
17 July 2010 @ 12:30 pm
Since Tuesday, we have been visited by our 11 year old nephew, Hunter. I must say that while it's going well and he is having fun...I have serious doubts about one of two things:

1. Either his parents have taught him NOTHING
2. I suck as a parent.

Let me state why I think this.

Are you that badCollapse )
 
 
 
Sean
13 July 2010 @ 11:55 pm
  • 14:48 @MICHAELMUHNEY MAYBE I'M GAY. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE MOVIE IS A HANKIE-FEST FOR ME. Finally Satan has come through for me! Thanks big red! #
  • 14:50 RT@Michaelmuhney: Acting isn't about looking pretty. Please come to VB and tell the student actors at my job this! #
  • 14:50 The dogs won't stop playing and it's annoying. I'm in charge of an 11 year old for one week starting in 9 hours! #
  • 15:19 @soapydoc I fear for it every day my friend! #
  • 15:19 @soapydoc I am disappointed by the Sean Young and the need to fire good actors for her. Her character was terrible and I loathed her acting. #
  • 15:20 @seethorngo I watched that episode today! #
  • 15:28 @seethorngo What is happen that you can't go to JFK? #
  • 18:03 RT@michaelmuhney Should I make out with him? <NO MAKE OUT WITH ME...I'M TRYING TO TELELPORT NOW! Damn it living on the east coast! #
  • 18:03 The final class was postponed....now I sit here and drove all this way for nothing...depressing. #
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Sean
02 July 2010 @ 11:55 pm
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Sean
11 June 2010 @ 11:55 pm
  • 15:09 I am paranoid. I just convinced myself for five minutes that the current state of Mars is the Earth's future. #
  • 15:10 I do not have an IMDB page...but I know at least three people who do. #
  • 15:26 @michaelmuhney The ratings going up has to feel rewarding! I knew they went down because of you. You are a fantastic actor Mr. Muhney. #
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